New Times, New Life

So currently I am laying in bed next to this boy. Fuck this kid can make me smile and yes he is currently reading this over my shoulder as I type. Now he is laughing at the fact that I just wrote that. c:

One thing I can say is I am fucking happy that I have finally found some one that has proved me wrong. Only took a little over two years but oh well. Such a fucking refreshing feeling. I feel like I can breath again.

It is great having a smile on my face again and feeling like myself. Martin and I, well we act fucking stupid around each other and I find it wonderful. We click, and well might I add. I haven't just found a boyfriend but a friend and I like that about it. We get along well and thats what I need. I still have my weird things that bother me but I'm getting over it. Maybe I'm not so damaged after all?

As Time Goes On

So it has been a while since I last posted. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing yet. HE tried getting in touch with me. Ya fuck no, I still have major issues because of him. Like I fucking want him back in my life. Fuck no. It has been almost two years and I'm still just as fucked up as I was before. I still fucking panic daily. Don't get me wrong, he isn't the only guy to hurt me during my life but he is the one that pushed me over the edge. He is the one who made me feel weak and so easily used. I'm to scared to feel like that again so I would rather be alone. It's like a guy shows interest and I can instantly feel a panic attack coming on...well unless I'm drunk. When I've been drinking then I seem to be okay...well as okay as a girl can be when she needs to be drunk to be okay around a guy.

I am damaged good, their is no changing that.

On another note Ryan's six months was the other day. Through most of the day I could handle myself but that night and the next day I was a fucking utter mess. I'm still not right and it's been a week since his six months hit. I've been in such a funk because of it. loosing such a close friend at such a young age really fucks with you. With everything that has happened in the last few years it has caused me to feel so alone even though I know I'm not. I put on a smile and say I'm fine even though I feel like ice inside. Well, sometimes I am fine. I have my ups and downs just like every other person. I suppose with everything that has gone on that last few months or so I just feel more cold then normal.

Last month though Amanda and I went to Huntington Beach, CA. I didn't want to leave that place. We were only there for a short while but I fell in love with the place. It wasn't the nicest city but it sure as hell wasn't the worst but it just felt..well right. I was fucking happy their. I felt like so much had been lifted from my shoulders, like I could finally breath again. I felt new and fresh. I didn't have that worried feeling if that one man was him or not. I wasn't around the drama that surrounds my family and I felt like a new person. I hope sometime soon I can feel that again...and a bit more permanently.

Breath Cut Short

The other day I was with my roommate Amanda, we were about to head out. I needed to stop at the front office of my apartment complex so I could pick up a package.

When I walked into the office I noticed a guy in one of the side offices talking on the phone. While I was in the room I noticed how he watched me like a hawk. Every time I glanced over I noticed how his eye followed me. He stood behind the office chair leaning on it witch a slight arch in his back. He had on a bright red polo shirt and his medium brown hair was slightly messy. His face is slightly blurred though. I don't think my mind will allow me to actually see it. I think it is trying to allow me to keep some sanity left.

When I was their I could feel my chest tighten with fear. I had to use all my strength not to run out of the room as fast as I could. I don't think I have ever wanted to cry out of terror before. I don't know if it was actually him or if it was a man who looked similar. I hope to god it was just a man who looked similar. I can handle that. I don't know what I would do if he worked in my building or lived here. I know he moved up to the Phoenix area. I knew more in the Glendale area which is an hour away from me but for all I know he could have moved over to this side of town by now.

I hate how I will feel fine until some one tries to actually get to know me or I see some one who looks like him. I hate the fact that when I may have seen him all I wanted to do was run away with my tail tucked between my legs. I hate being weak.

He is the reason I think of guys the way I do now. Like they are just a piece of meat, like they are only good for sex wether it be for pleasure of procreation. I think of men like men think of women. I want some one to prove me wrong yet I wont let any one close enough to let them prove me wrong. Maybe some day.

"When you lose your best friend, you don’t sleep anymore. You pace around the house at 3 o’clock in the morning. Everything’s dark. You’re scared of going to sleep. You have horrible dreams, horrible nightmares, and I know that’s true for all of us in the band." ~ Zacky Vengeance

I know how you feel. I have been going through the same thing as you. Maybe not to the same level because Ryan and I weren't as good friends are you and Jimmy but I know how you feel. When I first started hearing about Ryan's death I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. At the time I didn't know that it was my good friend Ryan. Moving almost 3,000 miles away from every one puts a bit of a damper on getting news. Any who, when I was seeing all of these RIP Ryan on facebook I just had this horrid feeling. When I finally read that it was the Ryan I've known since middle school I just broke down. I couldn't handle the news. I just kept on thinking back to the last time we spoke, the last time I saw him, plans that were never kept. Everything. I broke down again when I saw he had made a comment on my facebook page only a few hours before his death. It made me just want to think that it was all a lie. That he was just fucking with all of us. Sadly, it has been months and he hasn't said he was fucking with us.

A year ago Ryan was supposed to be here visiting me. I was originally supposed to have this big camping trip planned and he was going to fly out here to spend it with me. God, it's almost a year to the T that he was supposed to be here. Sadly, a bunch of people backed out of it and he ended up never coming. I wish to fucking god that he had come any ways. I remember him talking about wanting to maybe move out here. How he loved Arizona and he wanted to visit one more time before he really thought about it. I hate the fact that he never got to visit it one more time to see if he wanted to move out here. I hate the fact that on my birthday it will be two years to the day that I last saw him. He fucking flew out here for my 19th birthday. He was the first person to say happy birthday to me that night. Midnight on the dot.

I remember bringing him to Bright Eyes with me for his birthday one year. I think it was his 17th. I also went to warped tour with him one year. We got to run around had so much fun. That was the summer that he got me into the band Thursday. I remember hanging out at his place and walking around Bradford together. Listening to Bright Eyes and talking about our favorite songs and why we loved them so much. I remember when he asked me to his senior prom. We never ended up going together that year but I still remember him asking me non the less.

Fuck...I just wish he was still here.

The light in my eyes

I suppose there are a few things I feel the need to write about tonight. One being the fact that I now greatly dislike many of the people in Massachusetts that I had once considered friends. I can't even tell you how many of you would ask me how long I was in MA and then once I said I was going to be on the cape you all were like...oh damn. I just paid a couple hundred dollars and flew almost 3,000 miles and you can't even drive an hour and a half. Well fuck you.

I am am honestly so disgusted with people in society today. I just can't understand how shallow and self absorbed so many people are. Now I know not every one is that way and sometimes people just have their moments and that isn't who they really are but some people just think about themselves and only themselves. I also know that I am no saint on the subject but I do make an honest effort not to just think about myself. I do put myself first in the sense that I need to take care of myself but not in the way that I only do what I want for myself alone.

Now normally I don't talk about people in a negative way on here. At least not very specifically but right now I feel the need to. If you read this, maybe it will open your eyes.

As of right now when I think of you I really just laugh and roll my eyes. I can't even comprehend your selfishness. I've never asked anything out of you other then, don't just use me as a booty call and to be open and honest. The first one you held onto and I thank you for that. At least you had some morals then. The second though, not so much. As much as honesty might sting at the moment it is always the best thing. Yet you had to go and start ignoring me. You are hot one moment and cold the next. One day you can't seem to get enough of me and you couldn't act any fucking cuter but then all of a sudden you flip switch so fucking fast I don't even have time to let me eyes adjust to the light.

I've always told you that I respected a friendship out of you more then anything and if that was all you wanted then that was all you had to say. I understand the shit you are going through, at least to an extend. We both have been hurt and we both weren't looking for much more then a person to in a way lean on. That was all I wanted but clearly you just thought I was lying to you. I don't care that you didn't want anything, I'm more hurt by the fact that you so willingly through a friendship out of the window.

Also after the last few weeks I have realized I can clearly do better for myself. Going home opened up my eyes. I was treated like a fucking princess there and I realized what I could have if I wanted it. Also the last few days made me realize some more of my potential. Now don't think I am trying to sound like some stuck up conceded bitch or anything. That is not what I am trying to convey. I usually just settle for what I can get and I realize now that I don't need to do that.

Well I must cut this a bit short now...off to photoshoot with Clairebear. My one true love :D

Feeling lost...

You know what I have been missing a lot as of late? My old friendships. I don't know if it is because I have been so home sick as of late or what but I really miss my last year of high school. Not being in high school it's self but the people I had become friends with and the memories we shared. Now don't get me wrong I still talk to many of these people and I am very thankful for that but our friendships just aren't the same. I keep on thinking back to when things began to head south. When did our friendships not become as meaningful.

I understand that I don't live nearly as close as I used to but I feel like that shouldn't matter. My roommate lives just as far from her friends as I do yet they are all just as close. They talk on the phone all the time, constantly text each other, and they even fly out here to see her. Who the fuck from mass other then my dad calls me? Non of you. Hell, even when I do fly out there you guys bitch because I stay on the Cape and not in Haverhill and other then two people, TWO, non of you came down to visit. Non of you could make an hour and a half drive when I just fly 3,000 miles and pay a good few hundred dollars to come home. I was home for three fucking months last time and only two people came down to visit. I got to say it is a fucking low blow.

I really dislike the fact that the majority of my "friends" act like our friendships mean nothing. Slowly you are all making me feel like a bitter old fuck. Next time I am home...if you don't make the effort to come and see me wether it is when I do happen to go to Haverhill for a day or two or when I am down on the cape then don't even fucking bother. I am honestly sick and tired of your sad fucking excuses.

Their are a few people that I understand why they aren't able to really trek all over MA. Mostly because they have a child to care for. This is mostly the only reason I would ever go back to Haverhill. People are just so disappointing.

There’s a million other things I'd like to say but there’s not enough letters in my Alphabet today...

You know something that I really can't stand? When some one takes something you say and gets this really irrational view on it. Then, instead of asking you about it they just assume that there irrational view on it is the correct one. Because of this it sits in there mind festering and turning into something even more irrational and crazy to the point that it is so far from the truth that there ends up being almost no hope from there. Now...don't get me wrong, as of right now I might be doing the same thing and I know this. Playing telephone is a very dirty game.

I really do dislike the beginning of friendships. It really is the hardest time. I really wish that people would just lie everything on the table from the very start. Intentions, fears, likes, dislikes, wants, etc. I know that in todays society that wont ever happen but I wish it did. I hate uncertainty.

Moving 3,000 miles away from home and going to college has left me with nothing but uncertainty and it has been a very big struggle for me. My guard has been up more then usual and the few times I have let it down I have ended up hurt, at least most of the time. I have gotten some amazing friendships but more times I get backstabbed. That or I date some abusive asshole. It has caused me great stress over the last three years and it has started to not only effect me mentally but physically as well.

Now as I said before I have met some great people such as my best friends Amanda and Claire. They are the two people here who haven't let me down when I have needed them most. They are the two people who have been the shoulder I cry on when I need it. I wish I had met them earlier but it is a bit hard when you live two hours away for a year. In Amanda's case 3,000 mile away for a year until both of us moved into the same apartment complex.

I know part of this is to learn, to grow, to live and much more but I would really like it for once to go my way. Now don't get me wrong, many things do end up going my way but usually not the things I would like, at least not at the time. Or at least a sign to allow me to believe that my way will come sometime soon because as I said before I hate uncertainty.

Now on another note, I am currently people watching while waiting for class and I must say sometimes it really is a good time. As of right now I am watching a guy with skinny jeans on that are green and he is riding a fixi that is green as well, I must say his favorite color is most likely green. Then there is the guy who just walked past me, who for the most part looked like a clean cut type of guy...but as I look down I notice that his right shin is covered in a tattoo. It is full color and very detailed. Amazing shading work. Then there is the two girls sitting across the way and I can only imagine they are gossiping about boys, friends, teachers, and course work. One girl has long brown hair the shade of coffee while the other has a very short cropped hair cut that is brown with a hint of red when the light hits it just the right way. It is very fitting on her. Then there is the couple sitting on the grass, the girl in a black tank top and white shorts and the guy in a teal t-shirt and gray shorts. They are talking in a language that I do not know. You can really learn and start to understand people just by watching them. Granted this may be the anthropologist in me.

People are very complex beings. We are capable of walking upright, of speech, thinking on our own, complex equations, art, music, fashion, and learning about other living creatures. We can manipulate our body to do things other creatures are not able to do. It really is fascinating. I really wish that there was a greater need for cultural anthropologist. I would love to go to another country and study a culture that isn't my own. To watch and observe these people. Do what they do, eat what they do, and live like they do. Maybe some day I will be able to do just that.

Now as much as I would love to continue to write about how much humans fascinate me I must go, time to try and understand the french language while not getting distracted by the cute boy who usually sits near me. ;)

I gotta write about what I don't write about

Well not really but I've been listening to Trophy Scars a lot as of late and that is a line from there song "Alchemist. Alchemists." I thought since this is a blog that it would be very fitting. ahah

Honestly I don't really have anything to say but once again I felt the need to write. I like writing, I used to do it all the time when I was in middle school and the start of high school but sadly I lost my passion for it like I've done for many things in the past. I don't know why I lose my passion for so many things. I personally dislike the fact that I do. I've stopped hockey, photography, writing, hiking, dancing (not by choice) and much more.

I would still ballroom dance if I had the money as well as a partner to dance with. I can't even explain the feeling that I get when I dance. I know I'm not the best but I want to learn more. When I am dancing and I am moving so fast while doing the salsa or hoping I don't slip while being spun or doing a twist or flick in the tango I get such an adrenalin rush. Honestly, dancing brings such a smile to my face. I might go to class so un happy that I want to just cry and throw things but by the time I leave I feel like I am walking on clouds. Their isn't a feeling like that, that I get from anything else. Not hockey, not photography, nothing. I miss it so much. Some day I will dance again. I swear to hit, hopefully soon.

On another note I will say I am feeling a bit better since I last poster. My fear is still there but it isn't as prominent as it was before. I don't think it will go away for a long time and that is something I must accept, I know that. Just sometimes it gets the better of me. Granted there is some one who has had my mind a bit preoccupied but that is for a later day. I'll just say that he has got some sexy arms ;)

I am thankful though that I haven't been thinking about it to much as of late, I am hoping this will allow me to start focusing on my classes again. They end in the next two and a half weeks and then finals the next week and a half after that. I really need to step my game up so I can pass all of my classes. Currently I am passing my Astronomy lab, Human origins course, and french course with a good solid B, thankfully. Sadly my Astronomy lecture and Statistics course are on the cusp of a C/D. If I can pass everything else I should be alright. I really hope so. I need to do well this semester to bring my GPA up. I just need to focus and work hard on it all.

Well I am sure you don't want to listen to me write about my courses and all of that in between. It isn't the most interesting of sorts but as I said before I felt the need to write and well...this was all that was on my mind. Hopefully next time it will be something juicy or some amazing words of wisdom. Until then!!

The past coming into play...

So I found out he now lives up in the PHX area. One of my biggest fears that I'm not really ready to face. I was okay with him living a few hours away but now he is in the facinity of me actually running into him, it scares the crap out of me. Not that I think he would do anything but the fact that I would have to see him is what gets to me. Mostly it has brought up old fears that I thought I was getting over. It has been a year and a half, I should be over it but nope I am still left with trust issues and utter fear he left me with. I over analyse every word spoken by any male. I can't concentrate or think straight. I hate this. So many people wonder why I don't get out a lot, why I am so attached to my cat Echo, why I only talk to a few people...it's all because of my mind being fucked over by him. I don't get out and i'm close to only a few people in fear of getting hurt. I'm so close to Echo because I got her right after everything happened and she was the only thing around me to give me comfort. I'm damaged good, I know that, but doesn't change the fact that I want it to change. I just need some one to prove to me that not every one is like him. I know if some one proved me wrong I would be okay, I want to be proven wrong. I'm not saying I want to fall in love and live happy ever after but I want some one who I actually feel towards to show the same feelings in return. I don't want some huge romance but I don't want a casual fuck as well. I can't be used that way again. I need to know I am better then that.

Remembering

You know those times when you just feel the need to write about something but you aren't really sure what to write about? Well today is one of those days. I have a lot of thoughts flowing through my brain right now but non I really want to share to much. I can say this though. The last month has started to open my eyes up a bit more then usual.

Having a good friend pass away really opens up your eyes a bit about life. I've had a lot of people pass away before, most were older or had something wrong with them that was life threatening that ended up claiming them. You are able to be more prepared and expecting for the time when it comes yet when you have a friend who hasn't even hit the half way mark on there life expectancy is hard concept to grasp.

As many of my friends know the last year and a half has been one that I've had a hard time understanding and dealing with. Between being hurt and mentally fucked with I haven't been the same and I never will be. I understand and accept that now but I still want to better myself. It might be because I still don't understand myself as well as I would like. My emotions run wild, on second I'm alright with a person the next I don't know how to act around them. A few people I get really attached to while others I want them to stay away from me and I couldn't tell you why.

When Ryan passed away I learned more about that. For a little while after it happened I thought trying to jump into a relationship would be more beneficial but thinking about it more I realize that is the wrong way to go. Don't get my wrong I don't want to stay single for ever but I don't want to want to rush into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I would rather take it slow, really get to a know a person, be friends with them before hand, and feel honest emotions before hand. I've been single for over a year and I don't want to just jump into something for the sake of it. Ya know?

So now basically I am just rambling on about god knows what but I will say this: Ryan, I miss you so much and I know every one else that you knew misses you very much. One day we will meet again. I don't know how, I don't know when, I don't know if it will be in the afterlife or through reincarnation but I do know I will see you again even if I don't realize it is you. I miss you buddy, may you rest in peace.

Feeling the need to rant about the same ol same ol...

I know, I know every one bitches about being single. Don't get me wrong, I'm okay with being single and I can handle it. I have been for over a year but then again I would like to have some one there for me. Don't get me wrong, I've had offers from some great people but it just hasn't been the right person or what I am looking for as of right now. Most of the time it doesn't bother me a whole lot but as of late it has been on my mind more then normal. I suppose I just miss the feeling of it all. The thrill of it, ya know? Who doesn't.