As Time Goes On

So it has been a while since I last posted. I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing yet. HE tried getting in touch with me. Ya fuck no, I still have major issues because of him. Like I fucking want him back in my life. Fuck no. It has been almost two years and I'm still just as fucked up as I was before. I still fucking panic daily. Don't get me wrong, he isn't the only guy to hurt me during my life but he is the one that pushed me over the edge. He is the one who made me feel weak and so easily used. I'm to scared to feel like that again so I would rather be alone. It's like a guy shows interest and I can instantly feel a panic attack coming on...well unless I'm drunk. When I've been drinking then I seem to be okay...well as okay as a girl can be when she needs to be drunk to be okay around a guy.

I am damaged good, their is no changing that.

On another note Ryan's six months was the other day. Through most of the day I could handle myself but that night and the next day I was a fucking utter mess. I'm still not right and it's been a week since his six months hit. I've been in such a funk because of it. loosing such a close friend at such a young age really fucks with you. With everything that has happened in the last few years it has caused me to feel so alone even though I know I'm not. I put on a smile and say I'm fine even though I feel like ice inside. Well, sometimes I am fine. I have my ups and downs just like every other person. I suppose with everything that has gone on that last few months or so I just feel more cold then normal.

Last month though Amanda and I went to Huntington Beach, CA. I didn't want to leave that place. We were only there for a short while but I fell in love with the place. It wasn't the nicest city but it sure as hell wasn't the worst but it just felt..well right. I was fucking happy their. I felt like so much had been lifted from my shoulders, like I could finally breath again. I felt new and fresh. I didn't have that worried feeling if that one man was him or not. I wasn't around the drama that surrounds my family and I felt like a new person. I hope sometime soon I can feel that again...and a bit more permanently.