I really do dislike the beginning of friendships. It really is the hardest time. I really wish that people would just lie everything on the table from the very start. Intentions, fears, likes, dislikes, wants, etc. I know that in todays society that wont ever happen but I wish it did. I hate uncertainty.
Moving 3,000 miles away from home and going to college has left me with nothing but uncertainty and it has been a very big struggle for me. My guard has been up more then usual and the few times I have let it down I have ended up hurt, at least most of the time. I have gotten some amazing friendships but more times I get backstabbed. That or I date some abusive asshole. It has caused me great stress over the last three years and it has started to not only effect me mentally but physically as well.
Now as I said before I have met some great people such as my best friends Amanda and Claire. They are the two people here who haven't let me down when I have needed them most. They are the two people who have been the shoulder I cry on when I need it. I wish I had met them earlier but it is a bit hard when you live two hours away for a year. In Amanda's case 3,000 mile away for a year until both of us moved into the same apartment complex.
I know part of this is to learn, to grow, to live and much more but I would really like it for once to go my way. Now don't get me wrong, many things do end up going my way but usually not the things I would like, at least not at the time. Or at least a sign to allow me to believe that my way will come sometime soon because as I said before I hate uncertainty.
Now on another note, I am currently people watching while waiting for class and I must say sometimes it really is a good time. As of right now I am watching a guy with skinny jeans on that are green and he is riding a fixi that is green as well, I must say his favorite color is most likely green. Then there is the guy who just walked past me, who for the most part looked like a clean cut type of guy...but as I look down I notice that his right shin is covered in a tattoo. It is full color and very detailed. Amazing shading work. Then there is the two girls sitting across the way and I can only imagine they are gossiping about boys, friends, teachers, and course work. One girl has long brown hair the shade of coffee while the other has a very short cropped hair cut that is brown with a hint of red when the light hits it just the right way. It is very fitting on her. Then there is the couple sitting on the grass, the girl in a black tank top and white shorts and the guy in a teal t-shirt and gray shorts. They are talking in a language that I do not know. You can really learn and start to understand people just by watching them. Granted this may be the anthropologist in me.
People are very complex beings. We are capable of walking upright, of speech, thinking on our own, complex equations, art, music, fashion, and learning about other living creatures. We can manipulate our body to do things other creatures are not able to do. It really is fascinating. I really wish that there was a greater need for cultural anthropologist. I would love to go to another country and study a culture that isn't my own. To watch and observe these people. Do what they do, eat what they do, and live like they do. Maybe some day I will be able to do just that.
Now as much as I would love to continue to write about how much humans fascinate me I must go, time to try and understand the french language while not getting distracted by the cute boy who usually sits near me. ;)
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