There’s a million other things I'd like to say but there’s not enough letters in my Alphabet today...

You know something that I really can't stand? When some one takes something you say and gets this really irrational view on it. Then, instead of asking you about it they just assume that there irrational view on it is the correct one. Because of this it sits in there mind festering and turning into something even more irrational and crazy to the point that it is so far from the truth that there ends up being almost no hope from there. Now...don't get me wrong, as of right now I might be doing the same thing and I know this. Playing telephone is a very dirty game.

I really do dislike the beginning of friendships. It really is the hardest time. I really wish that people would just lie everything on the table from the very start. Intentions, fears, likes, dislikes, wants, etc. I know that in todays society that wont ever happen but I wish it did. I hate uncertainty.

Moving 3,000 miles away from home and going to college has left me with nothing but uncertainty and it has been a very big struggle for me. My guard has been up more then usual and the few times I have let it down I have ended up hurt, at least most of the time. I have gotten some amazing friendships but more times I get backstabbed. That or I date some abusive asshole. It has caused me great stress over the last three years and it has started to not only effect me mentally but physically as well.

Now as I said before I have met some great people such as my best friends Amanda and Claire. They are the two people here who haven't let me down when I have needed them most. They are the two people who have been the shoulder I cry on when I need it. I wish I had met them earlier but it is a bit hard when you live two hours away for a year. In Amanda's case 3,000 mile away for a year until both of us moved into the same apartment complex.

I know part of this is to learn, to grow, to live and much more but I would really like it for once to go my way. Now don't get me wrong, many things do end up going my way but usually not the things I would like, at least not at the time. Or at least a sign to allow me to believe that my way will come sometime soon because as I said before I hate uncertainty.

Now on another note, I am currently people watching while waiting for class and I must say sometimes it really is a good time. As of right now I am watching a guy with skinny jeans on that are green and he is riding a fixi that is green as well, I must say his favorite color is most likely green. Then there is the guy who just walked past me, who for the most part looked like a clean cut type of guy...but as I look down I notice that his right shin is covered in a tattoo. It is full color and very detailed. Amazing shading work. Then there is the two girls sitting across the way and I can only imagine they are gossiping about boys, friends, teachers, and course work. One girl has long brown hair the shade of coffee while the other has a very short cropped hair cut that is brown with a hint of red when the light hits it just the right way. It is very fitting on her. Then there is the couple sitting on the grass, the girl in a black tank top and white shorts and the guy in a teal t-shirt and gray shorts. They are talking in a language that I do not know. You can really learn and start to understand people just by watching them. Granted this may be the anthropologist in me.

People are very complex beings. We are capable of walking upright, of speech, thinking on our own, complex equations, art, music, fashion, and learning about other living creatures. We can manipulate our body to do things other creatures are not able to do. It really is fascinating. I really wish that there was a greater need for cultural anthropologist. I would love to go to another country and study a culture that isn't my own. To watch and observe these people. Do what they do, eat what they do, and live like they do. Maybe some day I will be able to do just that.

Now as much as I would love to continue to write about how much humans fascinate me I must go, time to try and understand the french language while not getting distracted by the cute boy who usually sits near me. ;)

I gotta write about what I don't write about

Well not really but I've been listening to Trophy Scars a lot as of late and that is a line from there song "Alchemist. Alchemists." I thought since this is a blog that it would be very fitting. ahah

Honestly I don't really have anything to say but once again I felt the need to write. I like writing, I used to do it all the time when I was in middle school and the start of high school but sadly I lost my passion for it like I've done for many things in the past. I don't know why I lose my passion for so many things. I personally dislike the fact that I do. I've stopped hockey, photography, writing, hiking, dancing (not by choice) and much more.

I would still ballroom dance if I had the money as well as a partner to dance with. I can't even explain the feeling that I get when I dance. I know I'm not the best but I want to learn more. When I am dancing and I am moving so fast while doing the salsa or hoping I don't slip while being spun or doing a twist or flick in the tango I get such an adrenalin rush. Honestly, dancing brings such a smile to my face. I might go to class so un happy that I want to just cry and throw things but by the time I leave I feel like I am walking on clouds. Their isn't a feeling like that, that I get from anything else. Not hockey, not photography, nothing. I miss it so much. Some day I will dance again. I swear to hit, hopefully soon.

On another note I will say I am feeling a bit better since I last poster. My fear is still there but it isn't as prominent as it was before. I don't think it will go away for a long time and that is something I must accept, I know that. Just sometimes it gets the better of me. Granted there is some one who has had my mind a bit preoccupied but that is for a later day. I'll just say that he has got some sexy arms ;)

I am thankful though that I haven't been thinking about it to much as of late, I am hoping this will allow me to start focusing on my classes again. They end in the next two and a half weeks and then finals the next week and a half after that. I really need to step my game up so I can pass all of my classes. Currently I am passing my Astronomy lab, Human origins course, and french course with a good solid B, thankfully. Sadly my Astronomy lecture and Statistics course are on the cusp of a C/D. If I can pass everything else I should be alright. I really hope so. I need to do well this semester to bring my GPA up. I just need to focus and work hard on it all.

Well I am sure you don't want to listen to me write about my courses and all of that in between. It isn't the most interesting of sorts but as I said before I felt the need to write and well...this was all that was on my mind. Hopefully next time it will be something juicy or some amazing words of wisdom. Until then!!

The past coming into play...

So I found out he now lives up in the PHX area. One of my biggest fears that I'm not really ready to face. I was okay with him living a few hours away but now he is in the facinity of me actually running into him, it scares the crap out of me. Not that I think he would do anything but the fact that I would have to see him is what gets to me. Mostly it has brought up old fears that I thought I was getting over. It has been a year and a half, I should be over it but nope I am still left with trust issues and utter fear he left me with. I over analyse every word spoken by any male. I can't concentrate or think straight. I hate this. So many people wonder why I don't get out a lot, why I am so attached to my cat Echo, why I only talk to a few people...it's all because of my mind being fucked over by him. I don't get out and i'm close to only a few people in fear of getting hurt. I'm so close to Echo because I got her right after everything happened and she was the only thing around me to give me comfort. I'm damaged good, I know that, but doesn't change the fact that I want it to change. I just need some one to prove to me that not every one is like him. I know if some one proved me wrong I would be okay, I want to be proven wrong. I'm not saying I want to fall in love and live happy ever after but I want some one who I actually feel towards to show the same feelings in return. I don't want some huge romance but I don't want a casual fuck as well. I can't be used that way again. I need to know I am better then that.

Remembering

You know those times when you just feel the need to write about something but you aren't really sure what to write about? Well today is one of those days. I have a lot of thoughts flowing through my brain right now but non I really want to share to much. I can say this though. The last month has started to open my eyes up a bit more then usual.

Having a good friend pass away really opens up your eyes a bit about life. I've had a lot of people pass away before, most were older or had something wrong with them that was life threatening that ended up claiming them. You are able to be more prepared and expecting for the time when it comes yet when you have a friend who hasn't even hit the half way mark on there life expectancy is hard concept to grasp.

As many of my friends know the last year and a half has been one that I've had a hard time understanding and dealing with. Between being hurt and mentally fucked with I haven't been the same and I never will be. I understand and accept that now but I still want to better myself. It might be because I still don't understand myself as well as I would like. My emotions run wild, on second I'm alright with a person the next I don't know how to act around them. A few people I get really attached to while others I want them to stay away from me and I couldn't tell you why.

When Ryan passed away I learned more about that. For a little while after it happened I thought trying to jump into a relationship would be more beneficial but thinking about it more I realize that is the wrong way to go. Don't get my wrong I don't want to stay single for ever but I don't want to want to rush into a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I would rather take it slow, really get to a know a person, be friends with them before hand, and feel honest emotions before hand. I've been single for over a year and I don't want to just jump into something for the sake of it. Ya know?

So now basically I am just rambling on about god knows what but I will say this: Ryan, I miss you so much and I know every one else that you knew misses you very much. One day we will meet again. I don't know how, I don't know when, I don't know if it will be in the afterlife or through reincarnation but I do know I will see you again even if I don't realize it is you. I miss you buddy, may you rest in peace.

Feeling the need to rant about the same ol same ol...

I know, I know every one bitches about being single. Don't get me wrong, I'm okay with being single and I can handle it. I have been for over a year but then again I would like to have some one there for me. Don't get me wrong, I've had offers from some great people but it just hasn't been the right person or what I am looking for as of right now. Most of the time it doesn't bother me a whole lot but as of late it has been on my mind more then normal. I suppose I just miss the feeling of it all. The thrill of it, ya know? Who doesn't.