"When you lose your best friend, you don’t sleep anymore. You pace around the house at 3 o’clock in the morning. Everything’s dark. You’re scared of going to sleep. You have horrible dreams, horrible nightmares, and I know that’s true for all of us in the band." ~ Zacky Vengeance

I know how you feel. I have been going through the same thing as you. Maybe not to the same level because Ryan and I weren't as good friends are you and Jimmy but I know how you feel. When I first started hearing about Ryan's death I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. At the time I didn't know that it was my good friend Ryan. Moving almost 3,000 miles away from every one puts a bit of a damper on getting news. Any who, when I was seeing all of these RIP Ryan on facebook I just had this horrid feeling. When I finally read that it was the Ryan I've known since middle school I just broke down. I couldn't handle the news. I just kept on thinking back to the last time we spoke, the last time I saw him, plans that were never kept. Everything. I broke down again when I saw he had made a comment on my facebook page only a few hours before his death. It made me just want to think that it was all a lie. That he was just fucking with all of us. Sadly, it has been months and he hasn't said he was fucking with us.

A year ago Ryan was supposed to be here visiting me. I was originally supposed to have this big camping trip planned and he was going to fly out here to spend it with me. God, it's almost a year to the T that he was supposed to be here. Sadly, a bunch of people backed out of it and he ended up never coming. I wish to fucking god that he had come any ways. I remember him talking about wanting to maybe move out here. How he loved Arizona and he wanted to visit one more time before he really thought about it. I hate the fact that he never got to visit it one more time to see if he wanted to move out here. I hate the fact that on my birthday it will be two years to the day that I last saw him. He fucking flew out here for my 19th birthday. He was the first person to say happy birthday to me that night. Midnight on the dot.

I remember bringing him to Bright Eyes with me for his birthday one year. I think it was his 17th. I also went to warped tour with him one year. We got to run around had so much fun. That was the summer that he got me into the band Thursday. I remember hanging out at his place and walking around Bradford together. Listening to Bright Eyes and talking about our favorite songs and why we loved them so much. I remember when he asked me to his senior prom. We never ended up going together that year but I still remember him asking me non the less.

Fuck...I just wish he was still here.

The light in my eyes

I suppose there are a few things I feel the need to write about tonight. One being the fact that I now greatly dislike many of the people in Massachusetts that I had once considered friends. I can't even tell you how many of you would ask me how long I was in MA and then once I said I was going to be on the cape you all were like...oh damn. I just paid a couple hundred dollars and flew almost 3,000 miles and you can't even drive an hour and a half. Well fuck you.

I am am honestly so disgusted with people in society today. I just can't understand how shallow and self absorbed so many people are. Now I know not every one is that way and sometimes people just have their moments and that isn't who they really are but some people just think about themselves and only themselves. I also know that I am no saint on the subject but I do make an honest effort not to just think about myself. I do put myself first in the sense that I need to take care of myself but not in the way that I only do what I want for myself alone.

Now normally I don't talk about people in a negative way on here. At least not very specifically but right now I feel the need to. If you read this, maybe it will open your eyes.

As of right now when I think of you I really just laugh and roll my eyes. I can't even comprehend your selfishness. I've never asked anything out of you other then, don't just use me as a booty call and to be open and honest. The first one you held onto and I thank you for that. At least you had some morals then. The second though, not so much. As much as honesty might sting at the moment it is always the best thing. Yet you had to go and start ignoring me. You are hot one moment and cold the next. One day you can't seem to get enough of me and you couldn't act any fucking cuter but then all of a sudden you flip switch so fucking fast I don't even have time to let me eyes adjust to the light.

I've always told you that I respected a friendship out of you more then anything and if that was all you wanted then that was all you had to say. I understand the shit you are going through, at least to an extend. We both have been hurt and we both weren't looking for much more then a person to in a way lean on. That was all I wanted but clearly you just thought I was lying to you. I don't care that you didn't want anything, I'm more hurt by the fact that you so willingly through a friendship out of the window.

Also after the last few weeks I have realized I can clearly do better for myself. Going home opened up my eyes. I was treated like a fucking princess there and I realized what I could have if I wanted it. Also the last few days made me realize some more of my potential. Now don't think I am trying to sound like some stuck up conceded bitch or anything. That is not what I am trying to convey. I usually just settle for what I can get and I realize now that I don't need to do that.

Well I must cut this a bit short now...off to photoshoot with Clairebear. My one true love :D