New Beginnings

I am not who I was last December. I don't know if I should be happy about this or distressed. One thing I can say with out a doubt that I am thankful I am changing. I don't know if it will be for the better or the worse in the end but I am thankful. Don't get me wrong I do miss my old self to an extent but I feel like the new me is better. I care less about a large number of people and more about the people that matter. I don't let people walk all over me. I speak my mind and I don't hold back. I am still shy yet more out going. I have fun. I laugh. I love. I live. Sure, I still have my fears and weaknesses but they effect me less than they once did. Life is hard, life is good, life is finally looking the way it should me. Now if only I could get me a damn boy that is good for me.

-.o

So I haven't posted in a few weeks and I feel like I should say something again. Honestly though I am not to sure on what I should say. I guess that I do like the way my life is headed right now. The last few weeks have been a bit rough but nothing I haven't faced before. Just things that happen to every day people in every day life that annoys the shit out of us. I have finally moved in with my friend Amanda and so far everything has been great which is thankfully good. Classes have also started and so far they seem fairly well which I couldn't be happier about. Life is finally going the way it should be.

Also today I met up with my good friend Chelsea to have a chat over some coffee (me hot coco) and discuss our current events and art like we always do. While we were at Cartel we met up with one of our old art teacher, Jacob Meders. As some of you may know I have been feeling rather down about my art work and if it was such a good idea to waste my last two years on art. ASU was telling me that my art wasn't really art and I wasn't good enough yet left and right people were telling me how they loved my work and found some of it inspirational. Well after I told Meders this he then proceeded to tell me that I need to keep my chin up and just do what I love. Just because what I may do isn't really in the "in crowed" per-say right now it will at some point and time and as long as I keep producing people will keep on seeing. That art is pretty much what comes from within not what others want us to make. It made me feel better about what I create and what I believe art is. He also pretty much said the art teachers on the board for photo were full of shit in their logic. So in other words I am getting inspired again!!!

On top of that my friend James has recently opened up a gallery for First Friday in Phoenix, Arizona and will be showing some local art work! On top of that he asked Chelsea and I to show some of our work so I have a lot of art to make!!! I have until the end of February at the earliest to create something gallery worthy. Wish me luck!

So sadly that is pretty much it. No words of wisdom, no deep profound thoughts racing through my head, and no stories to tell. Hope all is will in what ever world you are living in. =D

You know, the way I see life is similar to what the image is saying. We all have a path that we must take in life.

(click image to view larger)

Sometimes out actions cause us to regret and wish that we went the other way while other times we rejoice what what has may happened to us. The way I see life is that no matter what we do we all have the option to never regret. We must embrace out choices day in and day out. We must listen to what people tell us, stories that people share to us, and give every person we meet some one they are able to confide in.

In todays society not enough people listen to what others have to say, wether it is a cry for help, a story to tell, or just some one to say hello to. Yes I have been that person before, the one who doesn't listen. I can thankfully say though that I do listen more then I don't.

I hope any one who reads this thinks about there lives and actions a bit more. Are you the person who cares and listens more often then not? Do you live your life with regret or embrace what has happened to you? If not I hope that you think about your life and I mean really think about it. Lift your chin up and view life from a different perspective.

A lot of the time I feel lonely but I need to remember something. I have Echo (my adorable kitten) who I love dearly and as lame as this sounds she depends on me more then your average cat depends on a person. Also I have my two best friends in the world who I trust with my life to the fullest, Amanda Sexton (my soon to be roomie in less then two weeks) and Chelsea Lyles (my buddy who I some how had three classes first semester with, we had never met before to plan this)

As much as I want a serious relationship I don't need it. I need to find some one who is at the same level mentally as well as how they present themselves. I can't go after a guy who isn't working or at the minimum in college. I need a guy who has a car, independence, and knows where they are headed in life. I want to be able to know I don't have to support any one but Echo and myself.

You know it is nothing against any one out there who hasn't figured out who they are yet but I need some one on the same level as I am. I am a college student who lives on her own (soon to have a roommate). I know where I want to be in 10 years, I am ambitious, I want to eventually get my PhD, and I have many goals that I need to achieve within the next three years. I am not in a position to fool around, party all of the time, not pay attention to my classes, or help support or worry about any one else long term problems. I need some one on the same page as me, with similar goals, similar problems, and knows what I am going through so we can relate. I need to keep my chin up and focus on bringing my GPA up, passing my classes, and working my ass off.

I feel the need to finally write about it.

I finally feel like I can start talking about it more openly. Only my mother and a few friends really know, well what I have talked to them about. Honestly, even though what he did to me was months ago it hurts more then ever. I see some one with similar facial features and I get scared. I get scared when they talk similar, walk similar, and act similar. Honestly, I'm scared. I never thought some one would be able to make me feel this way, granted I never thought I would allow some one to do what he did to me. I've always thought of myself as some one who was independent and strong and that I would never let a guy abuse me the way he did. Don't get me wrong he never hit me but he sure as hell fuck with my mind. Sometimes I feel like some one who is mentally abused has it worse then who is physically abused. Bruises are easier to heal but when you are told you are hated and disgusting and make him feel unwanted and disgusting day in and day out it really fucks with you.

This has held me back a lot over the last few months I believe. I haven't TRULY wanted to get close to any one until recently. I'm scared to try and give my heart out again in that context. I am bloody fucking scared. The thought makes my heart pound, my eyes water, and my breathing speed up. I've become close to girls recently because I am so bloody scared of guys, and I don't mean girls in any other context other then as a friend. I never had girls as friends really before but now all I seem to want is to be around a female friend. I feel safe there. Like I am being protected by my two closest friends. Sometimes the anxiety of it all keeps me up at night. I want to let myself go and recently I tried but ether I freeze up and panic or it blows up in my face because I have lost a chance that I had before. I have a problem and I know I need to get over it.

I am scared to cry so hard that I can't breath because I am told that I am disgusting. I am scared to fear what I say. I scared to be told that I am hated. I am scared to be told that I don't mean anything. I am scared to be told that I am a lier. I am scared to be told that I am so horrid that they would consider suicide. I am scared. I am flat out scared.

I wish I had some one to help me. Some one to show me that I no longer need to be scared. Something safe. I want to feel safe again, I want to feel secure and to know I have some one there for me. I am sick and tired of looking at the face of some one who even slightly resembles him and physically get sick and so scared that I will get hurt again by another person. I want it to stop.

I already have a hard enough time being social with people. I feel better in bigger crowds because I know I don't have to talk to any one where as when I am with a few people I feel like I am just making an ass out of myself because I never know what to say. I want to be strong again, I want to not have a care again. I will never be that Emma any more but I at least want to be close to my old self again. I just wish it would hurry up.

Hey!

(Thats me!)

Hey everyone!

Emma here!

So I decided to start a blog and put of photos of myself and of my work. I want to

try and get some images of my work that isn't a photograph up but it might be a while. Some entries might talk about my day to day life as well as photos of my friends and family up with some entries about them! I want to keep this positive but there might be a bit of ranting! Hope every one enjoys it!

So a little bit about myself.

I am Emma Hart (you don't need to know my last name)

I am 19 years old

Residing in Tempe, Arizona.

I am currently attending Arizona State University

Majoring in Art (photo) and Anthropology.

I have from Haverhill, Massachusetts which I miss!

I love photography and I have been going to school for it for...6 years now! ahah

So I hope you all like my work!