I finally feel like I can start talking about it more openly. Only my mother and a few friends really know, well what I have talked to them about. Honestly, even though what he did to me was months ago it hurts more then ever. I see some one with similar facial features and I get scared. I get scared when they talk similar, walk similar, and act similar. Honestly, I'm scared. I never thought some one would be able to make me feel this way, granted I never thought I would allow some one to do what he did to me. I've always thought of myself as some one who was independent and strong and that I would never let a guy abuse me the way he did. Don't get me wrong he never hit me but he sure as hell fuck with my mind. Sometimes I feel like some one who is mentally abused has it worse then who is physically abused. Bruises are easier to heal but when you are told you are hated and disgusting and make him feel unwanted and disgusting day in and day out it really fucks with you. This has held me back a lot over the last few months I believe. I haven't TRULY wanted to get close to any one until recently. I'm scared to try and give my heart out again in that context. I am bloody fucking scared. The thought makes my heart pound, my eyes water, and my breathing speed up. I've become close to girls recently because I am so bloody scared of guys, and I don't mean girls in any other context other then as a friend. I never had girls as friends really before but now all I seem to want is to be around a female friend. I feel safe there. Like I am being protected by my two closest friends. Sometimes the anxiety of it all keeps me up at night. I want to let myself go and recently I tried but ether I freeze up and panic or it blows up in my face because I have lost a chance that I had before. I have a problem and I know I need to get over it.
I am scared to cry so hard that I can't breath because I am told that I am disgusting. I am scared to fear what I say. I scared to be told that I am hated. I am scared to be told that I don't mean anything. I am scared to be told that I am a lier. I am scared to be told that I am so horrid that they would consider suicide. I am scared. I am flat out scared.
I wish I had some one to help me. Some one to show me that I no longer need to be scared. Something safe. I want to feel safe again, I want to feel secure and to know I have some one there for me. I am sick and tired of looking at the face of some one who even slightly resembles him and physically get sick and so scared that I will get hurt again by another person. I want it to stop.
I already have a hard enough time being social with people. I feel better in bigger crowds because I know I don't have to talk to any one where as when I am with a few people I feel like I am just making an ass out of myself because I never know what to say. I want to be strong again, I want to not have a care again. I will never be that Emma any more but I at least want to be close to my old self again. I just wish it would hurry up.
